"and harm ye none"

Last night was a very emotional yet very eye opening night for me. Yes I worked again but I also spent a good part of the night talking to my cousin. The lady is very talented in her making of beautiful jewelry...enough so that I am considering redoing my ear piercings again. We talked a lot about family and family bonds...or lack of. We talked about how I fit in..or don't fit in as I see it. We talked about my brother and sister and my father....it touched me when basically she saw things from my point of view. My cousin is 23 years old and has done more with her life already then most of my cousins or hell more then most of my family. She has more compassion within her than my immediate family.

I don't understand my father. I know he hates me. But to have hated my child from birth...to deny himself his own grandchild. He hated her biological father. OK I understand that. I am not to pleased with the idiot myself. Hell he owes almost 20k in child support if that tells you why I don't like the fool. But for those of you that know my past with him it runs MUCH MUCH deeper. My father has never even held Cheyenne. Not once wanting to know her. He never did that to Shawni.

Part of the reason I left Minnesota was that I could see from the moment Cheyenne was born that my parents would only accept Shawni....why I dont know. Cheyenne was 2 when we left Minnesota. Two years old and I doubt for a moment my parents ever even held Cheyenne. But that wouldn't stop them from wanting Shawni for weekends. Or complaining over the fact that I hadnt put Shawni in something brand new just because she was going to their house to play. I am sorry I was under the impression if your going to play that means your gonna get dirty thus you would want to wear play clothes. But I guess I wasn't the rocket genius on that one because that was my logic.

When my mother decided she did not like the length of Shawni's hair...she had my grandma cut it...and I mean cut it...12 inches of it just gone like that...because my mom said so...no consulting me..nothing like that. Great gods, Cheyenne would die if her hair was cut off. Her long hair is her pride. But like I said this was the type of stuff that I went through. Shawni was their precious...and Cheyenne meant nothing to them...10 almost 11 years later...she still means nothing to them. They never even came to visit us in the hospital when she was born.

I sit at home at times wondering why I miss my family...but its not my family that I miss...its the get togethers where my parents would be civil in their charade of being a happy family. It was those times...the holidays...where I got to pretent my family was normal. It saddened me to hear that they dont happen anymore. Maybe everyone forgot was family was...or maybe us kids all grew up and there was no need to pretend anymore. I know that I have always loved my cousin since the time she was born...She's quite a few years younger than me...but I really can relate to her.

We can share things like our poetry and our sadness. We can open up to each other where there is no one else. There is no pretending to be what we are not to each other...It makes me wish she was my sister instead of my cousin. But the love I have for her...its deeper than the love for anyone in my immediate family...sister or brotherwise. I know I would give everything I had for her...She's a really good lad

"Blessed Be"